As we waited for the Middle School doors to open, I stood with my friends, shivering in the cold. A girl from my neighborhood tried to join our group, but we all ignored her.
She circled the group trying to make eye contact with me, but I dropped my gaze to the ground. I was new to this group. After struggling with bullying for two years in elementary school, I was unwilling to risk my tenuous friendships.
Other kids called her names and were downright mean, but in my silence, I condoned their behavior. In my silence, I turned my back on our friendship.
We went to separate elementary schools yet had been friends for two years. Our summers were spent running across the street to each other’s homes, playing house in our backyards, and watching fireworks every 4th of July. However, when we began 7th grade, my new friends didn’t accept her. And at school, I began to barely acknowledge our summertime friendship.
Why did I act like that? Why did I allow the bullying to continue, even when I knew what it felt like from my own experience in 5th and 6th grade? Why do bullies do what they do and choose to hurt other kids to the point that the victims take their lives?
As the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people.” This is an oversimplification of the matter, but it gives us a starting place as we pray and help our children. No child is “just mean.” However, circumstances, influences, and trauma may cause them to act out in certain ways.
In my situation, I had just spent two years being bullied relentlessly at school. I KNEW what it felt like. However, between that and verbal abuse at home, I didn’t have the confidence to step out of my new friend circle and risk it all for someone else.
Don’t get me wrong. I am in no way excusing my behavior or that of my friends. As I tell my own children when they are mean to each other and call names, it doesn’t matter what someone does to you, you never have the right to call names or be disrespectful. Period. Stand up for yourself, yes, but lower yourself to name calling and disrespect, never.
So what can we pray for our children who are bullies?
1. Their hearts – The start of Brooke praying God’s Word over her kids was the prayer inspired by Ezekiel 36:26, “May you turn my child’s heart of stone to a heart of flesh.” It is the perfect place to start here. We need God to do what only He can.
2. Their identity – Over the years I have come to have confidence in my identity in Christ. Now I am much more confident and able to reach out to the hurting no matter what the crowd may say. When our children know Who and Whose they are and their identity is firmly grounded in Christ, they will have more confidence, too. So let’s pray, “May my child know they are fearfully and wonderfully made, precious to God, and loved by Him.” Psalm 139:14, Isaiah 43:4.
3. Their purpose – Children who feel like they aren’t part of something or aren’t needed often have low self-esteem, which may lead to them putting others down to build themselves up. Contrary to popular culture, the more you give children what they want and allow them to avoid responsibilities in the home, the less they feel needed by and connected to their families. So let’s pray, “May my child know they are chosen, precious, and holy, so they might proclaim God’s praises and accomplish the good works He has planned for them.” 1 Peter 2:9, Ephesians 2:10.
Praying prayers like these helps get to the heart of the matter. We can discipline for symptoms like bullying others, but if we never address the heart of the matter, long-term changes might not happen.
Sometimes praying prayers like these may lead you to seek professional help. Please don’t shy away from using resources available like doctors and counselors. They can help your child overcome biological and emotional challenges that may be part of the problem as well. Even I have taken medication for depression and had counseling for trauma on and off over the last 20 years. These, combined with the prayers above, have helped me to be much kinder and more loving toward those around me. I can confidently say my bullying and staying silent days are far in the past, and I have reconciled with the friend I hurt so deeply in middle school.
Mama, get in the ring and start praying for your child today. Ask for wisdom to get them the help they need to deal with the heart of the issue. God is with you in this fight for your kids, and He loves them even more than you do.
